


The Edge

by TheChief, YourForever



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: For Jacie, M/M, Sorry Not Sorry, and Meta, ha, hahaha, mostly for Jacie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-19
Updated: 2014-10-19
Packaged: 2018-02-21 19:41:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2480090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheChief/pseuds/TheChief, https://archiveofourown.org/users/YourForever/pseuds/YourForever
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You said you'd stay, I said I'd wait. All those words we spoke in vain. I still recall the bitter taste. I guess some things never change.</p><p>And then I think of yesterday and every promise that you made. I never thought I'd be the one that you would break.</p><p>But I will fight until the day the world stops turning and they will fall to ashes, I will just keep burning.</p><p>But tonight, I need you to save me. I'm too close to breaking. I see the light. I'm standing on the edge of my life.</p><p>This is how it all turns out. You're the hero, I'm left out. I should've known you couldn't stand up for me and be a man.</p><p>I still have dreams of you at night. I can't tell the dark from light.</p><p>With each step I hold my breath and I'm tangled in your spiderwebs.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Edge

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jaciesandwich](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaciesandwich/gifts).



> So this is based on [ this ](http://chibi-punk.tumblr.com/post/100219265237/whatisbestforgotten-itsjustoutsidemywindow) text post at my friend's request.

_It's been almost a month and I still miss you like a fucking limb._

* * *

 He makes it back to the dressing room before his smile cracks. The ache is still there, a black hole in the center of his chest and he wants to crawl into one of Luke's shirts and go to bed, but they're supposed to go out tonight.

Fuck.

Normally, he can at least make it back to the hotel or wait until the bus is back on the road, he can make through the groups of fans waiting, because they're always waiting, and he hates the idea of letting them down, but he thinks there's a good chance that they'll see through his smile tonight.

He can't tell them why, of course, and he doesn't wanna disappoint any of them.

So he curls himself onto the couch in the dressing room.

When the other boys make it back to the room, Cal slips onto the couch next him, pressing his shoulder to Ash's side while Mikey and Luke hurry out to greet fans.

Later, after Calum manages to get a watery smile out of Ash, he tweets an apology to the fans and calls a taxi to take them to the hotel they're staying at tonight.

Because he doesn't know how to handle his bandmates knowing how broken he is inside, he doesn't want the fans to see too.

Even then, Cal and Mikey don't know  _what_ happened to make him this way, only that he and Luke won't share a hotel room and they don't hold hands or smile at each other the same as before.

Three weeks, four days, almost nineteen hours. He wants his boyfriend back.

* * *

  _I didn't know my bones could ache until I met you._

* * *

 They're back home on a break and Ashton doesn't know what to do with himself now. Harry keeps asking why he hasn't brought Luke back over so that they can watch cartoons together and Ash can't figure out what to tell him so he makes hot cider in Harry's favorite mug and sets it on the coffee table without saying anything.

When he makes it to the backyard, the sky is bright blue and he tugs his phone out of his back pocket, sending a message to Calum and typing out one to Luke before erasing it completely and heading for Harry's old playhouse, sprawling out on his back in the weeds and grass growing out of the ground, though

He's tempted to send a message to Michael too, but then he'd end up bringing Luke along and Ash would prefer not to have that right now. Not when he woke up this morning reaching across an empty bed for a form that wasn't there. Not when he could've sworn that he smelled Luke's cologne when he was out shopping yesterday. Except he'd been wrong and it had sent off a reaction of memories that had made the hollow of his collar bone where Luke had loved to leave hickeys almost hurt and he'd been rubbing at it ever since.

"Ash! Cal's here!" His mum calls from through the kitchen window and Ash doesn't bother moving. Cal knows where to find him.

"Ash?" Calum climbs into the playhouse and it's too small and too close to the ground for Ashton to be in there, let alone both of them, but Calum manages to fold himself in beside Ash, crouching on the ground just off to the side. "Another down day?"

He's been fluctuating and he knows Cal has noticed. All of the band has noticed, but he's not gonna consult Luke about the matter. He's not gonna let the fans know. He's not gonna let this effect the band. It doesn't matter if he has to work on perfecting his smile. He can do this.

"Everything hurts. It starts deep and just grows. It's everywhere and Harry wants to have Luke over and I don't know how to tell him that even if I asked, he probably wouldn't come over anyway."

"C'mon." Calum shifts backwards and Ash is pretty sure he's just gonna leave him there for a second, but then there's a hand on his arm, pulling him up and away. "Let's get you out of here."

"What if-"

"No. We'll get drinks. He's not eighteen. He can't find us. Up."

* * *

  _You know, a week before we broke up, do you remember? I bought a book of poetry and you asked why I didn't read something more interesting. I could feel my insides splinter._

* * *

 "What's this?" Michael is curled up beside Ashton in the small bed on the tour bus and he's spotted the old notebook Ash has shoved under his laptop and tugged it free.

"Nothing." Ashton makes a grab for the notebook, barely managing to get it from Mikey's fingers. He jams it between his side and the wall of the bus and Michael's smirk falls at the heartbroken look on Ash's face.

"Oh.. Okay." Michael has to know it has something to do with Luke, but Ashton has been doing so much better around others that he doesn't wanna push him.

Besides, if there's anyone in the band who understands that you don't go through someone else's stuff. Not when it's sensitive and related to something that still hurts inside. Except Ash can only remember Calum telling him that he should start opening up to Michael again, even if he can't quite get to that point with Luke.

Even if he can't see himself smiling - not a real smile - with Luke again anytime soon.

So he sighs and brings the notebook back out, pressing the pages flat against the mattress. "It's poetry."

And he's expecting laughter. Luke had laughed. Had said that he hadn't thought Ash was that kind of person. Except Mikey looks intrigued and reaches a tentative hand forward before Ash nods and pushes the notebook toward him.

"It... It's not all me. Some of them are just quotes."

"Yeah, I love this one." And Ashton's smile is relieved, leaning over to see the quote he's pointing at.

* * *

  _You said poetry was all lies dressed up to sound pretty. When I look at you these days I want to ask if sadness sounds pretty to you._

* * *

His doctor gives him Xanex.

No matter how much he hates himself for having to fall back on medicine, it seems to make Calum's smile a little lighter when Ashton isn't always aching. He knows he'll move on, but it's taking so damned long when they're in a band together and he sees Luke everywhere.

Someone found a picture of them, from before. It went viral within minutes and he'd been asked about it so many times until Calum made him get off the computer and Michael hid his laptop. They say it's for his safety, but he still gets on on his phone, looking at comments people are making about him. About them.

But the pills help. They drain a little of the color from the world, blur the edges so he can't hurt himself on them. They make it a little easier to breathe again and his smile isn't as fake when he smiles for a camera on the street outside a venue.

He doesn't break as much when Luke ends up borrowing his shirt from the laundry, even if he does end up curling up with the shirt tucked under his pillow the next night.

He makes it through a meet and greet and dozens of hugs and tens of pictures of him kissing fans on the cheek. His smile doesn't fall, even when his hands start to ache from the autographs.

When he's late on getting his prescription refilled and misses a few doses, the world becomes harsher again. Starts biting back down on him. Mikey finds him crying in the bathroom at a venue twenty minutes before they go on.

Cal makes sure he doesn't miss a refill again.

* * *

  _It's 3am and this alcohol tastes like you._

* * *

 "Ashton?" Luke seems surprised to have found Ashton outside his hotel room door, but Ash doesn't much care. They're in Melbourne and he can drink here so he does.

Except the drinking had ended up with him back outside the singer's door and now he just wants to curl up on Luke's bed and maybe cuddle for a few hours. Surely, they can manage that, can't they?

Ashton is surprised when Luke doesn't kick him out. He's even more surprised when they curl up on the couch together and Luke puts on an old rerun of Friends.

He doesn't even care that he hasn't had a Xanex in three days because they make him numb and Calum hasn't realized that he's hiding them in the little mint case that he keeps in his laptop bag.

He doesn't think they're doing him any good.

Still, it makes it easier now for him to let himself fall into the lure of the alcohol because Luke's hand is drifting through his hair again and they're talking and grinning and Ashton is leaning against Luke's side.

Ashton can remember, the next day, that they'd talked for hours.

Remembers Luke saying that he had loved reading Ashton's poems and that Ash should go to school for it. Get famous that way too.

Can remember Luke saying he loved him, but that it wouldn't work because he didn't think he  _loved_ him anymore. Didn't think he ever had..

Ashton remembers running outside and puking on the curb before walking to his own room and finally passing out in the bathtub, cold water spraying down on him.

He remembers swallowing his Xanex again.

He can remember signing up for college classes online, despite the hangover and the fact that he knows now that Luke was trying to placate the drunk man on his couch and nothing more.

* * *

  _I saw you staring at me in the store today. I smiled at you and you didn't smile back. I almost cried._

* * *

 They're halfway to Mexico and they have to stop because Cal is out of something important. So they go to the nearest gas station and are, of course, stopped by fans who want pictures and autographs, which they get.

Except one fan just wants a picture with Ashton, who has wandered a little bit further away, looking at a selection of snacks.

As soon as his name is called, he turns back and smiles wide as he meets Luke's gaze. The smile is forced, but slowly shifts into something a little bit  _more_ because Luke doesn't look away.

Calum and Mikey grin back, Mikey giving him a thumbs up, but Luke's face stays the same and Ashton's heart drops to his gut, but he waits for the fans to wish them good luck and goodbye before going to the bathroom because his cheek is bleeding on the inside where he bit too hard to stop himself from crying out.

Mikey files in a moment later, not caring that it's a public bathroom and there's only one toilet in the little square area.

Ashton doesn't care either.

When they leave the bathroom a few minutes later, Ash is a little more composed and Mikey's hand is curled so tightly around his that his fingertips are going numb, but that's okay because it means he can still feel something.

* * *

  _The girl who sits next to me in class smells like you._

* * *

 Ashton has to take a break of doing band promotion to head to the college he's enrolled in. He has to take an exam so they can better fit him into the class for his major.

Except he doesn't want a degree, just a better grasp of what he's doing. He wants to impress Luke. For real this time.

So he shows up for the exam.

He doesn't say anything throughout the lecture beforehand, instead sitting near the back and hoping no one recognizes him.

Except one girl does because he accidentally drops his stuff at some point and she bends over and grabs it before handing it back, freezing. It's after the exam and they're filing out of the room and Ash just nods and takes it with a stiff smile.

"Can... Can I get a picture?"

And he can't say no.

So Ash puts on his camera smile and poses behind her.

When her boyfriend's cologne drifts up from the jacket she's obviously stolen from him. And it's the same as Luke's.

He manages not to wince and keeps it together until he's back in the car he rented and he's calling Cal because he wants Luke's shirts back as a wardrobe option but he can't have that anymore.

* * *

  _I miss you._

* * *

 It doesn't matter that they're gonna be back together tomorrow. Ashton is fighting the urge to call Luke. He can't help the urge because they've been back in Sydney, just relaxing at home for two weeks and he's hung out with Mikey plenty and Cal's been over for dinner more than a few nights in a row, but he hasn't heard a word from Luke.

Not that he's really surprised. He's used to Luke's silence. But he's also used to seeing him. Not not being around him. And that might be a big part of why he can't move on, but that doesn't mean he's gonna quit the band.

He's becoming a phenomenal actor though, whether it's because there's a camera looking at them or a fan is nearby or if he wants to convince Cal he's having a good day.

Luke remains either blatantly oblivious or chooses to ignore the tension, thinking they solved it all that night in the hotel.

Instead of giving in to the ache to call the blonde, he dials Mikey and has him join Ash and Harry for an all night gaming marathon, though Michael doesn't know it's to hold Ash off from calling their lead singer.

* * *

  _I've never had so many bad nights._

* * *

 In his sleep, he remembers the feel of Luke pressing him down, against the mattress as if letting him up would destroy them both. Luke's groan echos in his ears and his skin is on fire and the blankets have all been kicked onto the floor.

But then, Luke looks down and meets his gaze and his face twists into a sneer. "I never loved you. Not like you wanted."

The hands on his shoulders become ice cold, sucking the heat from his skin and the bed disappears and he's falling and Luke is gone.

Only his words are still ringing through the air and his face is still burned into the back of Ashton's eyelids and he can't quite catch his breath.

And then he lands in his tour bed and Calum slips off his own bunk and beneath Ash's blanket because he was yelling enough to wake the others.

Ash swallows back dry heaves that should be sobs, but he's numb enough he can't quite get to the point of crying thanks to his upped dosage and Calum's watchful eye.

He pretends to fall back asleep in Calum's arms. It lasts a few hours before he has to get up and go to the bathroom. Before he locks the bus door and opens up the bottom drawer. He slips open the skin on his wrist with a soft stroke of the razor blade. The bite helps. It's been years since he cut. Since before the band, but now it helps him get past the Xanax wall. Helps him feel again.

So he lets himself. Two cuts, even and shallow on one wrist. Easy to hide. After cleaning, he grabs a black sweatband and tugs it over his wrist, ignoring the sting as it drags against the wounds.

He breathes a sigh of relief, slipping back into bed beside Calum, ignores Cal pressing closer to him, ignores the feeling of tears hitting his neck.

* * *

  _Sometimes I write poetry about you on the internet. Strangers who have never met either of us think you're cruel - they tell me if they ever had the honor of loving me they'd never give up on me and you're insane for walking away._

* * *

 After Michael insisting and supporting in the only way he knows how, Ashton creates an alias. He uses his connections and posts his poetry online. A friend reads it at a spoken word night in his honor.

His name isn't mentioned. He doesn't want anyone else to know. To make the connection. All the commotion over that long ago photo has died down and he refuses to be the one who gives the fans material to stir it back up with.

The reaction he gets is astounding. He's told over and over that he should move on. That Luke - his name isn't mentioned either - isn't worth the trouble. That he should find a muse who can make him smile.

Except Luke can make him smile. Still does. He has these little quirks and funny ticks that Ashton loves and wants to pull close and never let go. But that's not an option.

Slowly, he gets more confident, putting out more pieces. One time he mentions his cutting. Calum doesn't know what he's doing, which is good because he'd put a stop to it all immediately, but the people who hear the poems understand it all.

They know what it's like to need the pain when there's nothing else to feel. Michael doesn't have the same scars as Ashton, not self-inflicted ones, and can't quite relate, but he knows what it's like. He just found a different cure. Still, he doesn't try to make Ashton give up his. Instead, he holds the other boys hand and refuses to let him take the poem offline.

He smiles when Ashton gets his first review for it. Grins when it's good.

Ashton can't make himself care about the slightly inaudible gasp Luke gives when he reads it over their shoulder. Doesn't care about the look he gets. He's on top of the world.

* * *

  _They think it is beautiful how I am broken. I don't think they understand._

* * *

 The fans of his poetry start to go a little sideways. They start talking about his issues as if they're good traits, something to look up to. Ashton knows that's not right, knows that's not how he meant it.

He takes a few of his poems down. Confronts Michael about it all.

Michael holds him and tells him that they're all idiots. That he's loved for himself, not for what he became after Luke. When that doesn't work, when Ash is so positively  _sure_ that they like him for the scars on his wrist more than his words, he brings in Cal.

Luke finds out and kisses the old scars, the newer scabs. He even holds Ashton's hand as they walk backstage one evening.

The poems go offline one by one and Ashton reverts back to writing in his notebook.

 _Not forever,_ he tells himself.  _Just until they understand._

* * *

  _You used to tell me I was beautiful. I tried saying it in the mirror the other day, but it sounded wrong without your mouth wrapped around it._

* * *

 Ashton woke up with Luke's words in his ears again and forces himself up. He goes through four different band shirts before settling on the first one. Calum, his roommate for the night, doesn't say anything.

His mum tells him to get a haircut, but all he can feel is Luke's fingers running through the mess of curls, all he can is hear is Luke calling him beautiful. After explaining that he doesn't exactly have time right now and he'll talk to her about it more when he gets home, he heads out with Cal to meet the others. They have a signing and a radio interview in the morning, but the rest of the day is their's to play with.

Of course, it'll probably end up with Ashton leaving, followed by Michael or Calum. Still, he smiles big at the fans that stop them in the street despite the fact that they have a few minutes before they're supposed to be at the store.

One of the girls sighs, looking at her phone, and tells him, "good god, you're absolutely gorgeous. Can you even take bad pictures?"

And, at first, he's back in his dream but then Calum snorts out, "you haven't seen the dozens of pictures he doesn't post on Twitter," and then they're moving along again, headed for the store.

Luke's been avoiding him since they all found out about Ashton's new scars, though Calum checks daily for new ones and Michael hugs him everytime he sees him, but when they walk into the store and the blonde is already there, Ash just wants to fall apart all over again.

He flashes back to memories of words like 'gorgeous' and 'beautiful' were used as greetings. Remembers when Luke breathed the word perfect against his skin and made him believe it.

Now though, all he can see are the flaws and bumps that made Luke leave him. He was perfect for a moment, but it wasn't enough and now he's in pieces.

* * *

  _Everything I say sounds wrong without your mouth wrapped around it._

* * *

 It's all he can think about and the memory follows him around like a dream for weeks afterward until he's left shaking in a restaurant, eyes glued to Luke's mouth completely engrossed with the memory of it against his skin.

He excuses himself to go to the bathroom and, with clammy hands, locks himself in the stall.

What he doesn't expect is the sound of footsteps to follow him into the bathroom. To knock hesitantly on the stall door.

"It's me."

So Ash unlocks the door, lets his bandmate crowd into the small area along with him.

"Hey. You okay?" His voice sounds just this side of too caring and Ashton breaks down, pulling Calum closer and burying his head against the bassist's neck.

"No."

"Talk to me." Cal's voice is a whisper, his breath brushing over the shell of Ashton's ear and he can't get over the memory of Luke.

"Everything is a reminder and... and I think I just need to get away or I'm gonna end up begging for him to take me back and I know it'll just hurt more."

"Then we'll take a break. Two weeks and then we have a little free time. We can go out. We can go get drunk in some other country. It'll be exciting. We'll work on finding some new memories to replace the old ones. How does that sound?"

Ashton presses a watery smile into Cal's collar bone. "Great."

It takes a little while before Ashton lets himself pull away from the bassist, though Cal doesn't complain when people come into the bathroom, no matter their position.

"What am I gonna do, Cal? What if I can't move on? Then what? What if I can't get him back?"

"Then at least you'll have me." Cal's voice is steady, though there's a slight waver that makes Ash think he's nervous.

It takes a few seconds longer for his words to sink in and, by then, Calum has tilted his head just a bit and slotted his lips against Ashton's.

The drummer doesn't react for a few seconds and Cal pulls back, eyes wide before meeting Ashton's gaze as if asking what he thought.

Ashton turns, unlocking the stall and heading out into the open of the bathroom. There is another man in there, though he doesn't even look up and Ashton makes his way out to the table, trying to wrap his head around what just happened.

"I'll, uh... I'll meet you guys back on the bus." And Calum is only just now exiting the bathroom, but his eyes look swollen and Ashton turns and hurries out the door.

~

They're on the road for the next two days, playing concerts each night, and it's too long before they're back in a hotel, but by then Ashton has managed to get enough alone time that he knows what he wants.

So when they go to flip a coin for rooms, Cal calls dibs on sharing with Luke and Michael just shrugs, but Ash stops them and says no, he wants to share with Luke.

Cal gives in to the change without arguing and, though Luke looks like he wants to say something, they're called off to stage before they can.

After the concert, when they're back at the hotel and Ashton's bag is still packed, sitting on the bed, he turns to face Luke, scratching at the back of his head.

"Lemme guess. There was a reason you wanted to share a room again?" Luke arches an eyebrow, untying his shoes and kicking them to the floor.

"Yeah, uh.. Yeah. We need to talk."

"Okay... Then let's talk." Luke nods, pushing himself back so that his shoulders are pressed against the headboard, long legs stretched along the mattress and Ashton's fingers only kind of itch to touch, but he keeps them folded on his lap.

And they do.

Ashton gets his final answers. They talk for hours, figuring out what went wrong and why it's not gonna be able to be fixed anytime soon. Ash gets to learn that Luke has his eye on someone else and that he doesn't want to hurt them.

He gets the chance to accuse Luke, to hear the blonde's side of everything.

He gets to hear Luke's relief that they're finally putting this behind them. He gets to finally have the comparison he needs popping into his head. His relationship with Luke was pure fire. What he needed now was water to sooth the burns left behind.

And he knew exactly who could provide that.

And then, because Luke puts on his latest favorite movie and Ashton doesn't know how to confront Calum, they keep talking.

Or Ash does.

Luke just nods, listening, occasionally making little comments. When Ash's story is done, Luke tells him that he thinks they'll be better than he and Luke ever were.

Ash leaves Luke's hotel room with his bag slung over one shoulder and crosses the hall to the Mikey's and Cal's.

Michael answers and grins, moving aside.

"Go share a room with Luke?" He gestures the red haired guitarist out into the hall and, after scrambling for his stuff for a second, Michael gives in.

Cal is already curled up in bed.

Rather than say anything to wake him up, Ashton just turns off the lights and slips beneath the blanket with him, lips pressed to the other boy's neck, just below his ear.

"Let me explain."

* * *

  _We didn't last forever, but oh god, we could have. We could have._

* * *

"Ashton?" Calum's voice is mostly asleep, but Ash doesn't move. He's satisfied where he's at, curled around the other boy in the bed, legs tangled together. "Ash get up. We have stuff to do."

"Nothing we have to do." He grumbles, his hand slipping over Calum's stomach before settling at his hip, pulling him closer. "I can think of a few things that are funner."

"Ash." Cal's voice is a groan, part exasperation, part desperation.

"Cal..." He returns, mouth curled up into a smirk.

"We're supposed to go to the radio station."

"We'll cancel."

"We can't." His voice has no determination as Ashton shifts them, hovering over the bassists and laying down a trail of kisses along the center of his chest.

"We damn well can. We're 5 Seconds of Summer. You think they'll be against rescheduling."

"Ashton, stop. We have to get up."

"We're rockstars. We're supposed to be late."

"Ashton!"

"Fine." The drummer huffs, moving off the bed and into the bathroom.

He hops into the shower, hearing Calum talking in the hotel room. It's a few minutes before the other comes in to join him.

"That was Luke. He's back home with Jack and Ben. Looks like Michael is still hiding in his room playing games."

"It's been two weeks since the end of the tour. Has he moved yet?"

"Probably not." Calum snorts.

"So we're the only ones doing work today?"

"We're the only two in L.A."

"But we're on break...." Ashton whined, ducking down to slot his mouth over Calum's without giving the other a chance to respond.

He would've been willing to burn forever to stay at Luke's side, but this, he thinks, this has so much more potential.

**Author's Note:**

> Send requests to my [ Tumblr ](http://www.bring-me-the-superwholock.tumblr.com) or my [ Twitter ](www.twitter.com/littlebluemys)  
> Leave a kudos/comment if you liked the story or just tell me what you didn't like? I don't know.
> 
> This was not meant to be like this.


End file.
